Monday Morning Podcast 5-20-19

  • Published: 20 May 2019
  • Bill rambles about playoffs, talking points, and ghosting mid-date.

    Full Episodes of the Monday Morning Podcast:
    Full Episodes of the Thursday Afternoon Podcast:
    Full Episodes of the MMP One-Shots:

    Here’s the website!

    I was born a freckled child in a land far away during a much simpler time. I did well in school until it counted. As a freshman in high school I had dreams of going to Notre Dame and becoming a lawyer. By the time I was sophomore I was taking shop class and was considering getting into construction. I ended up working in warehousing and unloading trucks. Other than stand up, that job was the most fun I ever had.

    I am now a stand up comedian. I do a couple hundred shows a year. And I enjoy the travel. I’ve done four hour-long stand-up specials: “Why Do I Do This”, “Let It Go”, “You People Are All The Same” and “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way.” I host a podcast each week called The Monday Morning Podcast. And I have an animated series on Netflix called: ‘F’ Is For Family.’ Occasionally I act in movies but only when they let me.
  • Fun Fun

Comments • 440

  • jobje Rabbeljee
    jobje Rabbeljee  3 weeks back

    This, too, is a word;


    Tattissa wurd. Brah.

    • mike
      mike  4 weeks back

      48:37 i fucking lost it at holding the yarn LOL

      • Jacob Harris
        Jacob Harris  2 months back

        You ROCK Bill

        • Steven R
          Steven R  3 months back

          50:18 😭

          • entertainedbyidiots
            entertainedbyidiots  3 months back

            22:10  it's unfair, but if you're a man and you don't want a baby, fucking be responsible and don't bitch about it later if you're not.

            • rick worley
              rick worley  3 months back

              2:30 brings up black people ......and yes bill you are right....not all the racism comes from down south....some comes from black people from all sorts of places

              • Brandon Lindsay
                Brandon Lindsay  4 months back

                It's mainly about accepting consequences of a decision to have sex out of wedlock and the morality of owning your responsibilities.
                Yes. Less than 1perccent of abortions are out of rape and incest. 99 percent are done because of convenience only.

                Edit seems like only parents understand this but Having children with the person you love is one of the greatest joys in life and a lot of young people that are single 10 to see kids as a life ruiner and a financial burden on them yet they live without that in mind until they get pregnant and then all of a sudden it is the baby's fault so they kill their baby.. That's just not right. Own your decisions as an adult and take responsibility for your actions
                The data is out there on Gov websites

                • Vivek Rameses
                  Vivek Rameses  4 months back

                  I was stationed in Alabama for four years and it was thee worst state I've ever been to. Assbackwards, extremely racist, corrupt police, bible thumping nuts, etc..

                  • mohamed laymen
                    mohamed laymen  4 months back

                    20:52 that's gold.

                    • billymac29
                      billymac29  4 months back

                      It's finals! Its more than one game... its a best of...

                      • Ian Gordon
                        Ian Gordon  4 months back

                        Bill thinks he's still on the left, how cute. Sorry my friend, you're slowly becoming more center right. Republicans care about people too, I'd say you're more libertarian. Your earlier rants literally predict/support a candidate like Trump. Once you get your wife on your side, you can openly support his policies.

                        • Colton85
                          Colton85  4 months back

                          BILL YOU COMEDY GOD !!!

                          • Arkantos
                            Arkantos  4 months back

                            The whole 'condoms aren't 100% effective' is to cover for infidelity.

                            • chris colizzi
                              chris colizzi  4 months back

                              BRUINS FANS ...

                              • The Dude
                                The Dude  4 months back

                                “Treat people with respect” says the stand up comedian who roasts everyone😂

                                • Richard James Clemo
                                  Richard James Clemo  4 months back

                                  Youngest mother on record was only 5 years old, that was only about 100 years ago.

                                  • kstamps410
                                    kstamps410  4 months back

                                    You're right Bill.

                                    • Rusty Shackleford
                                      Rusty Shackleford  4 months back

                                      I hate Bill's analogy on being a yes man to women. It just makes me cringe. So we are just supposed to act like women are perfect and are never wrong in any way? Fuck that! It's just like when I hear these middle aged hen pecked guys at work say shit like "well you know what they say, you can either be right or you can be happy." Then the rest of them do that stupid laugh where you can tell they agree but they know its fucked up but they are afraid to admit how fucked up it is. I just look at these guys and I have zero respect for them. How can you let some woman dominate your life like that? I mean, if I am right about something why should my happiness have to suffer because some dumb cunt didn't get her way?

                                      This is why I refuse to get married. I will date a woman and have no problem being faithful but you know what is awesome about not being married? If she becomes a cunt I can tell her to hit the bricks and go find somebody else. Every time I start dating a new girl I tell them the same thing. I will treat you with respect, I won't cheat, I will make time for you, but I will not abandon my friends or interests because you want me too. If I make a plan with my friends and you don't like it, then tough shit. Leave if you don't like it.

                                      Bill acts like it's so hard to break up with a woman but it's really not. I have dated more than one woman where I got to the point of just being bored or realizing we were not a match. I just meet them face to face, and tell them it over. I don't care if they cry, scream, or get violent. I stand my ground. One of them actually tried to make me leave the apartment I was paying rent for! She threatened to call the cops and I just said "and when they see my name is the only one on the lease what are you going to do then?" She eventually stormed out with her stuff and that was it.

                                      Gents, don't let a woman control your life. You will be much happier in the long run.

                                      • Kristy Smith
                                        Kristy Smith  4 months back

                                        Thank you Bill Burr for speaking for a lot of us on the abortion argument! The # of pregnancies that are aborted due to rape is fewer than1 % of abortions. Men should have as much rights to that baby has her! I am a mother of 3 and a women does have rights to her own body but when you engage in sexual intercourse you both need to take on the responsibility of your actions. If you both decide to screw then you should know what the hell you might getting yourself into. Simple as that! You start a life due to your lack of sobriety, knowledge of contraceptives, or
                                        Intellectual concept of biological facts and science then you live it out! Everyone knows If you screw there is a risk! If you you decide not to take the the right precautions.....why does an innocent baby have to pay? Just stop being dumb!!

                                        • Rusty Shackleford
                                          Rusty Shackleford  4 months back

                                          I really hope Boston gets their asses kicked. I am so fucking sick of Boston sports.

                                          • Kristy Smith
                                            Kristy Smith  4 months back

                                            You Make my day Bill! Listen to you when I'm getting ready in the morning! Get my sports stats and my laugh! Perfect start to a day as a wife and mother of 3. Thank you!

                                            • Doomreb
                                              Doomreb  4 months back

                                              I'd go so far as to say men would be arrested if we gave birth after the woman said no.

                                              • SOJA_76
                                                SOJA_76  4 months back

                                                I'm calling the cops on this podcast.

                                                • Isaac Robertson
                                                  Isaac Robertson  4 months back



                                                  • Brent Barrus
                                                    Brent Barrus  4 months back

                                                    Come on Bill I'm waiting for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast

                                                    • wowdezare
                                                      wowdezare  4 months back

                                                      Lol for the last story, imagine being 23 ur mom trying to tell u to stop getting so much pussy because its hurting hoes feelings. And then ur step dad tries to chime in. Yeah that's a no. The fuck out of here GERALD! Worry about your own dick, buster.

                                                      • wowdezare
                                                        wowdezare  4 months back

                                                        Lool neverminding the moms words. "I feel like I did a pretty good job raising him." Oh, what makes u say that? "Well i made sure he got to school...oh and when he would throw up I'd take him to the doctor." Yeah it takes a little more than that to raise a man sweetheart. Hopefully that was just a very poor choice of words or some type of sarcasm.

                                                    • Renaud Villacis
                                                      Renaud Villacis  4 months back

                                                      Black ppl shoot each other more than white ppl shoot anyone Bill . I get it your wife's Black but seriously that shit's getting annoying .

                                                      • Walter Huetwohl
                                                        Walter Huetwohl  4 months back

                                                        If the condom breaks and the woman gets pregnant, can they sue the condom/latex manufacturer for 18 years of proactive child support?
                                                        If it hasn't happened yet I bet that it will.

                                                        • Orch
                                                          Orch  4 months back

                                                          THe first guy to speak honestly about abortion.

                                                          • theARK designs
                                                            theARK designs  4 months back

                                                            Something like 60 million abortions have happened since Roe v. Wade...
                                                            ALL THAT WAS RAPES?..
                                                            The problem lies with the huge Abortion Lobby in Washington ie., Planned Parenthood who profit off abortions and are in the pockets of democrats.
                                                            It is clear the Constitution makes it a duty for government and law to protect life..

                                                            • Daniel Hathaway
                                                              Daniel Hathaway  4 months back

                                                              There's nothing in the bible about abortion.. except to explain to you how to make your wife have one after she cheats on you

                                                              • Fuelled by Hate
                                                                Fuelled by Hate  4 months back

                                                                LOL 23:27

                                                                • Tom Joint
                                                                  Tom Joint  4 months back

                                                                  Oh Billy boy, when are you going to realize that your not a liberal anymore. You are a logical person who can think for himself... That makes you a conservative now Bill.

                                                                  • Impala Productions
                                                                    Impala Productions  4 months back

                                                                    Your views are sobering man! I like how you take an issue that's controversial and make comments that would seem controversial to both sides, because they actually sit in the middle. I'm a nobody, but I think you did a really good job on a touchy subject and were funny AS FUUUUCK hahahaha in a way that was angry and exasperated but united all of us fuckheads in a real cool way. Thank you Burr!!!

                                                                    • Isaac Robertson
                                                                      Isaac Robertson  4 months back

                                                                      Yes, less than 1% of abortions are rape

                                                                      • Isaac Robertson
                                                                        Isaac Robertson  4 months back

                                                                        Dude! With the whole Alabama thing I couldn’t relate anymore
                                                                        I just moved from Georgia back to California and all these Californians at my school are so retarded about how Georgia is
                                                                        Dude, they have never even lived in Georgia and they’re complaining about incest or whatever which isn’t even a real thing anymore

                                                                        • 45258 5655
                                                                          45258 5655  4 months back

                                                                          The zip recruiter read was funny as F***

                                                                          • Lee Arnold
                                                                            Lee Arnold  4 months back

                                                                            fuck you homos


                                                                            • Aleksandar Ilicic
                                                                              Aleksandar Ilicic  4 months back

                                                                              24:24 ole Billy inventing an adjective theeere: happiliest!

                                                                              • Alexanderiii
                                                                                Alexanderiii  4 months back

                                                                                I was wondering why Nia doesn't contribute to the podcasts anymore and then it struck me - She has the most difficult job on the planet - She's a mother!

                                                                                • Kronick Introvert
                                                                                  Kronick Introvert  4 months back

                                                                                  dude actually mentioned grenada....would like to hear his take on it....

                                                                                  • D M
                                                                                    D M  4 months back

                                                                                    30 mins of overanalyzing hockey and abortions made me want to stick a butter knife in an electrical socket. Fuck it...looking forward to the new special Billy.

                                                                                    • Kaleigh Crass
                                                                                      Kaleigh Crass  4 months back

                                                                                      Oof, this podcast was so painful to listen to. Bill's stance on abortion was ridiculous

                                                                                      • James Chauvet
                                                                                        James Chauvet  4 months back

                                                                                        When a mannnn loves a woman! Hes signing up for a rideee. Shes in the front and hes in the backkk. Lmfao genius!

                                                                                        • Heisenbrekh
                                                                                          Heisenbrekh  4 months back

                                                                                          where's the intro you made with TAL WINKELFELD

                                                                                          • da3
                                                                                            da3  4 months back

                                                                                            Ol Billy the bible thumper 😁📖🔥

                                                                                            • Dušica Zlojutro
                                                                                              Dušica Zlojutro  4 months back

                                                                                              Sports talk:
                                                                                              1:33 - 9:01
                                                                                              9:42 - 11:40
                                                                                              1:01:40 - 1:03:37

                                                                                              • Gabriel Villalobos
                                                                                                Gabriel Villalobos  4 months back

                                                                                                the 7 deadly sins are not in the bible... just fyi